Hell Freezes Over … Rocky Gets a Job!
Whew! What a stressful day it’s been at myHouseDeals.com! Things started out innocently enough. I had a productive meeting with my office staff, and I hammered out some tax details with my CPA. Before I knew it, it was time for lunch. So I decided to swing by my house for a quick bite. That’s when things took a strange turn.
My dog, Rocky, doesn’t usually talk much. But as I approached my back door, he said, “Ruff ruff! Doug! I was hoping you would come home! I usually love playing with my toys and licking myself all day, but something’s different this week. Ruff ruff! It’s just not as fun as it used to be. Doug, I see you leave here every morning and go to your office. I wanna come with you! Let me come Doug! Let me! Ruff ruff!” Here’s a pic of Rocky begging to come to work with me. (I count at least 7 toys at his feet.)…
I hesitated for a minute and said to myself, “That would surely be a disaster.” But then Rocky looked at me with those cute little bug eyes and over-sized ears and gave me a big doggy smile. Before I could say no, he stole my heart! So I said, “Ok Rocky. You can come to work with me!”
I continued, “But I need your help. I need you to actually get some work done because we’ve been short-handed this week. Everyone at work already knows who you are. You’re a big name around the office. Since you already have such respect, I’m going to appoint you to an executive position. Your title will be Director of Membership Acquisition and Retention Operations.”
I grabbed a quick bite of food (and gave some to Rocky, of course) and then said, “Come on Rocky, jump in the car. Let’s go to work. I’ll have everyone greet you at the front door. You’ll get the grand welcoming that someone of your caliber deserves.” We arrived at the office 5 minutes later, and sure enough, the staff and I rolled out the red carpet for him on the front steps …
Rocky said, “Thank you so much everyone. But enough of this. I’ve got work to do. Move out of my way!” We were all amazed at his “go get ’em” attitude.
He got off to a quick start. Within the first thirty minutes, he was delivering a stellar presentation to a big prospect. But things quickly went downhill when Rocky found love in a female dog that he saw through the window. (Nevermind that she was a 100-pound Great Dane.) After that, he couldn’t regain focus. The rest of the presentation was a complete disaster…
After I caught wind of Rocky’s botched presentation, I made the tough decision to demote Rocky to Director of Office Supplies Management. As director, he was in charge of checking paper supplies, ordering more paper if needed, stacking the paper, organizing the paper, and making sure that everyone had enough paper on their desk. But, as you can see, that didn’t work out either…
At this point, I had to sit down with Rocky for a heart-to-heart, man-to-dog discussion. I told him that I was concerned about his performance and that I didn’t know where to put him.
He said, “Doug. Stop. Ruff ruff! I know what you’re thinking. You think that I’m not working out. Ruff ruff! But I just haven’t been given the right assignment yet. Let me show off my skills in customer service. I know I’ll be a super star! And by the end of the day, all of you will be chanting ROCKY, ROCKY! Ruff ruff!” I said, “Ok, let’s give that a shot. Your new title will be Manager of Real-Time Telephony Conversations (customer service rep). I know you can do it.”
But, unfortunately, that didn’t work out either. The customer service headphones were simply too small for his big ears! That’s too bad. His smile would have radiated through those phone lines …
Feeling like I was almost out of options, I started looking for another job for Rocky. “Ah ha!”, I said to myself. “Rocky, you’re now the Chief Logistical Routing Coordinator.” (errand boy) He was extremely excited about the new assignment! But no luck. He couldn’t see over the steering wheel!…
And so I gave him an even simpler job … Director of Waste Removal & Disposal. (trash man) But that didn’t work out so well either…
Finally, I gave him the last job I could think of … Website Availability Assurance Specialist. All he had to do was refresh the myhousedeals.com home page every few minutes to make sure that the site was still up and running. But I came back 15 minutes later, and he was playing his favorite game, Solitaire!…
I looked at Rocky. He was caught red-handed. He said, “But I was bored!” I said, “Rocky, I never thought it would come to this, but I have to say that YOU’RE …”. Rocky stopped me with a quick “Ruff!” He said, “Stop Doug. I know what you’re going to say. Let me spare both of us the agony. I’ll grab my things.”
I replied, “Rocky, I think that’s best. Let me show you the way out. Thank you for your time, and I’m sorry it had to come to this. I’ll see you at home tonight. I hope this doesn’t come between us, but business is business.” I have a feeling that if he had a tail, it would’ve been tucked between his legs…
When I came home later today, I didn’t know what to expect. I was hoping for the best, but unfortunately, I saw the worst. Rocky had opened up a bottle of rum, and I could tell that he had already had several shots. By the time I saw him, he could barely “sit”. And “shaking” was out of the question…
As I write this, Rocky is passed out of the sofa. I can only assume that he’s deeply depressed that he let me down at work today. I ask for all of your thoughts and prayers for a quick recovery for Rocky. Hopefully, he’ll be able to trade in the bottle for his toys sooner rather than later.
Sadly signing off,
Doug Smith
President
myHouseDeals.com
UPDATE: I took Rocky to the park. He’s happy again. That was easy! Oh, and I hid the rum …
